The Mushroom Patch
by xwLic
Summary: Bella, Edward, and some freak in a kennel, which i didn't spell right, named Kate, all in the hippie van, a camp chant type thing for pyros, mushrooms, both the drug kind and the... um, edible kind, schizophrenia, and... whatever. what can go wrong? oh, s


Bella was running in circles, screaming "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don't need no water, let the flames burn higher!" Bella had learned this cheer from camp at the young of 73. She was now 18. Boy, time sure does fly when you're… er, getting bitten. You see, the cheer Bella was shrieking was due to the 'fire in her veins'. And, of course, the burn she'd gotten when she'd jumped into a pool of gasoline holding a match… but enough of that. Edward chuckled.

"Bella, dear, don't worry it'll soon be over. Three days…" Bella looked at him with that certain wide-eyed, crazed look. "My God," Edaward breathed. It had been 67 days! Bella had gone… insane?

"Dearest Bella, the three days are over," Edward said nervously. She stopped and blew a bubble with her watermelon extra gum (seriously, the flavour lasts, like, not at all).

"Really? Oh, okay, cool. I guess I didn't notice. Who're you, sweetcheeks?" Bella asked as her gum went _pop!_

"Oh, right, your memory is gone… let me think. Oh, yeah." Edward began to slap Bella very hard.

"Oh, yeah, I 'member you. We're dating, right? Am I a vamp now?" Bella asked in a gansta voice. Her jeans were all ready hanging lower. Her shirt was, um, gangster-ified.

"Sure are!" Edward said gleefully. She immediately reverted to the shy, un-gangster self she was, only way sleeker and sexier. Like that camera—you know—sleek, sexy, shiny—Kate's not bad either. Or whatever. She planted a gentle kiss on his marble cheek, her own cheek now matching his. Not that was much of a difference because, you know, she was all ready pale as… as… Amber's ass. For those of you who haven't read the (Insert colour here) is for (Insert word like remembrance, magic, etc. here) books, that is what Amber says to Stacey whenever she is pale from… um, fright? Or is it nose-bleeding? 'Cause you can totally lose a lot of blood that way… or maybe it's barfing. I can't remember. Whatever.

"Oh, Edward, what happened?"

"You went insane, my precious, gem-like, shiny, sleek, Kate."

"Um… Bella."

"Whatever. You look like Kate."

"Who's Kate?"

"No one!" Edward said too quickly, immediately throwing a bright pink pleather thong out the window of the car (they were in a hippie van.).

"Edward!" a voice giggled in the back seat. Bella turned to see a mirror image of herself smiling sheepishly from a dog kennel.

"She makes a good snack." Edward shrugged. _So that's why she looks half dead,_ Bella thought.

"But… doesn't that turn her into… like us?" Bella asked, feeling the raised scars on her neck. Edward scoffed.

"Let them come," he said in a manly, macho-nachos voice. Bella looked confused.

"What?"

"Oh… er, right. Wrong movie…er, line."

"Why'd you say it?"

"The author of the fanfic had been thinking it at me all day… sorry."

"That's perfectly all right. Crumpet?" Bella offered, holding out a plate of… um, crumpets I guess. What is a crumpet anyway? Does anyone really know? Is it some sort of secret British thing, you know—we all think it's like, a tea thing, but really it's a… uh, weapon or something? Like, and evil fish?

"Yes, dear," Edward said. Yes dear. – shudders-. That's a perfectly awful show. You know, I'm starting to sound rather British myself… ohmigod, next thing I know I'll be shooting people with crumpets… and have really bad teeth! And my parents will kill me, what with all the money they wasted on braces… too bad I never actually had braces seeing as my teeth are straight as… Amber's ass? That doesn't work though, does it? And neither does straight as a curly q, which Mr. Pala is. Aw, shucks.

"Hmm… Kate. Kit Kat!" Bella giggled.

"Gimme a break of that Kit Kat bar!"

"Are you cheating on me?" Bella sobbed.

"Er… no?" Edward said, very obviously lying.

"Oh good. I wonder what my power will be!" Bella exclaimed, clapping her hands in delight.

"Could it be… insanity?"

"No, silly, I was all ready insane. I'm schizophrenic!"

"Wait… does that mean I'm just a schizofigment **A/N: Danie and I made this up in Mathclass… what don't we make up in maths?**? Esme? Carlisle… all of them?" Edward asked, horrified.

"Yup." Bella said gleefully. "All schizofigments of Grayson. And he's a schizofigment of Katie, who is one big little person **A/N: all of this is actually relevant if you are Danie, Grayson, or me. Not Katie. She's clueless as ever...**"

"Did you take my pickles?" Kate demanded.

"…No…"

"Why would you take my pickles!" **A/N: sorry, that was on the tv show in the background. Oh, shoot, I need a disclaimer: I don't own…. Blah blah blah. Except Kate, and Hell I barely even own her! Why don't I own anything –sobs-**

"…I didn't…"

"Wait—is Kate real?"

"Oh, totally."

"Then how does she see us?"

"Um, she doesn't?"

"She's talking."

"Kate, are you talking to us?" Bella asked, both her and Edward turning away from the wheel and climbing into the back.

"…No?"

"Cool."

"Hey, you guys want to do some mushrooms?"

"Yeah!" Edward and Bella, idiots that they are, proceeded to stuff real live mushrooms up their noses, not the hallucageninator kind. You know—the drug? I totally spelled that wrong 'cause I can't quite remember the word, but whatever, right? Right. Oh, yeah—the car crashed into a giant mushroom patch—the drug kind—and therefore a huge mound of cow dung. Kate ran out of the car, snickering, and got high and then ran into the woods and didn't come out for 3 days. The freaking end.

Don't you love how freaking is a word?


End file.
